Introducing the Sony Xperia SP – Neil Weaving

The Sony Xperia SP is the phone you need more than you need anything else. You need one more than you need food or oxygen or the respect of your peers. A Sony Xperia SP would make your peers respect you. A Sony Xperia SP would make beautiful women and/or men want to have sex with you. A Sony Xperia SP would make your parents love you. With a Sony Xperia SP, you would never have to be alone again.
Your new Sony Xperia SP has a sleek black design to hide the cheapness of its plastic. A small but strategically placed aluminium rim makes your Sony Xperia SP look like it was worth the cost. Your Sony Xperia SP looks like it was too expensive to be made by child slaves. Your Sony Xperia SP looks expensive enough to bury your guilt.
The Sony Xperia SP is a viable competitor to the iPhone.
The Sony Xperia SP is not just for people who can’t afford an iPhone.
Your Sony Xperia SP is definitely not just for people who don’t want to admit that they can’t afford an iPhone.
Your Sony Xperia SP has a 4.6” 720p display and a full-HD back-facing camera, and a front-facing camera powerful enough to accurately represent the dilation of your pupils in that selfie you probably shouldn’t have taken in the SubClub toilet. Your Sony Xperia SP comes pre-installed with software to instantly upload that photo to Facebook, Twitter, and the servers of eight world governments. Your Sony Xperia SP listens while you are sleeping. With your Sony Xperia SP, you never have to be alone again.
If your Sony Xperia SP was a human, it would wear a cheap suit to its job at ASDA.
If your Sony Xperia SP was a human, it would live in constant fear of acknowledging the limits of its own potential.
Your Sony Xperia SP is lovingly designed to slowly break from the inside out. Its headphone jack and speaker will cease to work within 12 to 18 months. Tasks that were once effortless will become painful ordeals as its silicon mind loses its youthful vigour.
You will replace your Sony Xperia SP with a new phone that does basically the same shit but for some reason costs twice as much. When you first boot up your new device, you will briefly recall the excitement that your Sony Xperia SP once brought you, long ago.
Ultimately, your Sony Xperia SP will lie lost in some dark place – the bottom of a kitchen drawer; under the bed; sandwiched among DVDs you should have thrown out by now. You will not want to look at your Sony Xperia SP because doing so would bring nothing but a cruel reminder that planned obsolescence is far from unique to consumer products, but is in fact older than humanity itself; that the animal processes of ageing and death are driven not by individual biological necessity but because your genes know they can live on better freed from the crumbling vessel that you call your body, carried instead in the cells of some newer model for whom the Sony Xperia SP is not even worthy of a mention in the Wikipedia of their life. It is in this darkness that your Sony Xperia SP will finally die, forgotten and alone, as its memory card degrades and the dark juice of its battery begins to leak into the surrounding miscellanea, staining red the accumulated tat of contemporary existence, the museum of trinkets you spent your whole life curating.

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About aloudqmu

Aloud is a monthly poetry and spoken word open mic night, and literary magazine. We are based in Glasgow University's Queen Margaret Union, Glasgow, Scotland, UK. Here we wish to publish performance videos from our open mic nights, event updates, and the writing featured in our monthly Aloud Magazine, and some of the writing that didn't quite make the final cut.
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